A Post About A Boy

When you left I thought you'd be gone for 6 months.

I prepared and readied myself to get over you.

I stopped thinking about you and didn't toss and turn at night playing out events in my head of your return.

Nor did I replay the memories we made together to make me feel happy.

Because in the end, they'd always make me sad because of how we ultimately are.

Friends, nothing more.

On two occasions did I bare my heart to you and am met with crippling rejection.

In the four years I've known you, I've only tired to be your friend.

You always read more into it.

I've suffered through girlfriends and drunk girl "friends".

At one point I was lucky enough to be one of them.

Lucky.

Funny how perspective would have changed that adjective.

In my mind I was lucky and honoured, to my friends I was belittled and used.

Then one month ago you suddenly reappeared without notice.

You came back two months early.

I wasn't ready yet.

Your name shocked me and I froze at the thought of seeing you again.

I never let myself think about you.

Tonight I saw you again.

You have a new girlfriend.

You have plans to travel the country and tour europe.

I've changed too.

But have we both changed to much to be friends again?

Were we ever friends or did you just deal with me?

You never texted first, I was always lost in a swarm of other girls, when we talked you rarely made eye contact and I was always scared of what I said in case you didn't approve.

It sickens me that I filtered myself for other people's approval.

Your approval.

There always seemed to be some force between us that prevented us just being relaxed and normal around each other.

Whether that was because of our history or that we just weren't really friends, it's always bothered me.

I would never go as far as saying I loved you.

But I definitely would have done anything for you.

I desperately wanted to be the first girl you thought about, the one you wanted to talk to first.

I knew I never was.

Now I know that if I allow myself to fall back into the feelings I had 4 months ago, I would be unhappy.

I don't want that.

I know I don't feel that way anymore.

But after tonight, you voice, your smell, your face and your hug, I relived the past four years in a millisecond.

I remembered how I used to feel about you, I remembered the tears, the laughs, the kisses and hugs.

What was different this time was I didn't let the kisses and hugs outweigh the tears and rejection.

I didn't let a few nights blur the years of being lead on and feeling stupid.

I've grown up.

I think I'll always have a place for you in my heart, but be clear that it's the impact you've made on my life that earns you that spot.

So thank you for the past four years and whether we continue a friendship after this is unknown.

I know I'd love to hear your future stories of Perth and Europe.

I'd love to have your friendship and support.

But maybe too much has happened between us.

You've been a big part of my high school life but even more you've been a big part of my teenage love life.

You influenced the beginning years of when I started to notice cheek or jaw bone structure or a suave English accent.

Ultimately we started as very similar people, but we took different roads and have become very different now.

Maybe too different, but everyone needs an opposite to keep them grounded.

A post about a boy

that is arrogant

that is self centred

that is hurtful

that is egotistical

that is misleading

that is a jerk

that is untrustworthy

that is one of my biggest regrets.

A post about a boy

that is caring

that is sweet

that is loving

that is a good kisser

that is a great hugger

that is charismatic

that is smooth

that is intelligent

that is confident

that is charming

that is never going to be forgotten.